Secondary Infertility - An Ache That Burns Deep

Since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to be a mom. I even remember wanting to steal my daycare lady's baby and keep her as my own at the age of 9. Ha! I swear I'm not creepy. I just loved babies so, so much. That sweet smell, those big, beautiful eyes, those soft chubby cheeks. Sigh... They are so cute when they are tiny and new.

Fast forward almost 20 years later to when I met my husband. We had discussed children early on, and I made it pretty clear that children had always been part of my life plan. So within a few months of getting married, I was fortunate to get pregnant with our daughter after only trying for one month. Wow, that was easy! The pregnancy wasn't a walk in the park but, by the end, we had the most beautiful little girl with the biggest, roundest blue eyes I'd ever seen. We were over the moon!

Within a few years we were ready to start trying for another child so Z would have a sibling. I wanted my children to be a few years apart so it was time to start trying. I had gotten pregnant so easily with Z that I was sure my husband would just look at me funny and I'd be pregnant. Well, that did not happen.

We tried for a few years and nothing was happening. I had mentioned the issue to my doctor after about the first year and she said, "pray and keep trying. You'll get pregnant eventually." Wrong. I prayed, I wished, I hoped, we tried and nothing happened. To make matters worse, everyone I knew was getting pregnant. And each time I heard the news, it felt like a dagger in my heart. Why was it so easy for everyone else but me? Why was my body failing me? I spent many days lying in my bed in a pool of tears, empty, sad and feeling like a failure.

And no matter what anyone says, secondary infertility isn't any less painful than someone who is infertile and hasn't had children. I remember feeling guilty for my sadness because I already had a baby, and I wondered what right I had to be so devastated by this inability to conceive for a second time. People would say, "well at least you have one baby." To me it didn't matter. There was such a huge hole in my heart. So don't ever apologize for how you feel. The pain is just as raw.

Eventually, my doctor referred us to a fertility clinic and, I'm happy to say, I did eventually get pregnant after being on a fertility drug. The tests, the side effects of the drugs and the costs didn't make it the easiest process ever but I was so thankful to have my darling little boy.

I wish I had been given advice about using a holistic and natural approach to fertility rather than settling with the medical interventions we eventually had to turn to. I so appreciate what those amazing doctors did for me but I wish I had this alternative when I was first battling infertility.

Pregnancy Miracle was developed by Lisa Olson: a nutrition specialist, health consultant, Chinese medicine researcher and author who battled with infertility herself. Her system has helped thousands of women, just like you, permanently reverse their infertility, get pregnant quickly and give birth to healthy children. 

Whether you're in your 30s or 40s, have had tubal obstructions, variances in your hormone levels, a partner with low sperm count, a history of miscarriages, or uterine or fibroid cysts, this might make a difference for you.

Click here to see a video that might give you new hope for the happy ending you deserve.

My Journey Living with Health Anxiety

This week I've had breast cancer, pancreatic cancer and skin cancer. Or at least I've had it in my mind. That's because I'm a huge hypochondriac - a.k.a. a person who suffers with health anxiety. I know hypochondriacs are always depicted as goofy, over-the-top, compulsive types on sitcoms but being a hypochondriac is sometimes very debilitating and lonely. It can consume your every thought and make you completely miserable, and subsequently, affect the people around you.

I think I've always been a bit over compulsive when it comes to sensations I feel in my body. While most people wouldn't even concern themselves or even notice these normal bodily fluctuations, I feel like mine are heightened, and each one has a huge sign pointing at it saying "I could be a terminal illness!" I started seeing a new doctor last year, and she's awesome! I really like her. One of the first things I discussed with her was my health anxiety. She assured me that most of the funny little gurgles and twinges in our body are not usually reason for concern - it just means things are working the way they should. I've remembered that over the years, anytime I'm about to go over the edge with my worrying and over-analyzing.

I'm also pretty sure that I could perform open-heart surgery if I had to, purely because I have read up on every single disease known to man. And I've probably thought I've had every one of those illnesses too. Google has both calmed and created some of my worse health fears. If you suffer from hypochondria, stay away from Dr. Google. He always gives you the worse case scenario. Every single time.

The worse thing about anxiety is that it creates a vicious cycle. Because I have anxiety about symptoms I am feeling, my anxiety creates more scary symptoms like dizziness, shallow breathing, pain, etc. These are real sensations, so how do you know if they should be of concern? Are they real problems or just side effects of my scary anxiety monster?

My anxiety got so bad a few years ago, I actually saw a therapist about it. I would spend every minute of the day on my smart phone looking up different diseases I thought I had. When you looked at the browser on my phone, I had dozens of windows open - all related to health issues. I knew I needed help because it was affecting my every day life. I was depressed, irritable and obsessed.

The therapist helped so much - it was just common sense stuff but it just sunk in. She knew that I was a person of faith and said, if I truly believed that God had a plan for me, I would just live without fear knowing that there is a bigger plan for me. She also said that people get cancer all the time and live, so not everything that goes wrong is a death sentence. She gave me some other ideas to help distract me, and to alleviate some of my physical symptoms. It made a huge difference but... I've had a slight relapse as of late.

It seems like every day I hear another story of some strong, young, healthy person getting cancer and dying within a few weeks. It just oozes into my brain and I can't shake it. I've heard two stories this week of people who had sore backs and all of a sudden, within a few weeks, they died of cancer. So when my back started hurting this week, I went to that dark, scary place in my mind. I was so worried about it I was actually in tears over it, and being super short with my kids. Even though part of me knows it's all in my head, the other part totally buys it. Having anxiety is like being trapped in your own mind, stuck with your own scary thoughts, and there is no way out. Your brain is like a prison.

Anxiety IS a mental illness and should not to be taken lightly. It really can have a negative effect on your life if you let it consume your every thought, and if it stops you from living your life to the fullest.

Will I be this way for the rest of my life? There's a pretty good chance. Do I have the tools to help get me out of those spirals of doom? I sure do. Will I die one day? Of course. But as Linus said: "Worrying won't stop the bad stuff from happening, it just stops you from enjoying the good."

Do any of you suffer from anxiety or a mental illness? It's much more common than we realize.

5 Tips to Being Fit While Budgeting

I'll be the first to admit that I am not the thinnest person in the world but I have lost over 50 lbs and continue on my weight loss journey, one that has taken a longggggg time. Although I don't have a sexy bikini body, I am pretty fit because I exercise almost every day, and really make an effort to eat well. The food part is definitely the most difficult for me! Mostly because I love to eat so cutting calories and focusing on eating whole foods is not my strong suit.

A few months back, I remember seeing a post on Facebook from a woman who said she had no choice but to be obese because she was poor and healthy food cost too much, and gym memberships were too expensive. There is SOME truth to the food aspect. Eating lots of fruits and veggies every day does add up but there are some ways to get around that which I'll talk about in a moment. But when it comes to exercise, there is NO excuse. I exercise every single day without using a gym membership or fancy equipment at home.

Here's how to be fit physically and financially:

1. Not all fruits and veggies have to be expensive

When we go grocery shopping, we try not to purchase much in the way of processed foods. Don't get me wrong, we still buy some, but not much. My kids tend to gravitate towards fruit and even raw veggies - mostly because we don't have much in the way of sugary snacks in our house so they have no choice. But this can get pretty expensive when they are cruising through a bag of apples in a few days. But there are other alternatives that can stretch your fruit and veggie budget. I buy frozen peas and corn when they are $1-$2 a bag. This lasts us probably for four meals. Same goes with frozen fruit. It can be a bit expensive but if you catch them on sale, they are great in a smoothie with yogurt and milk. Canned fruits and veggies aren't as nutritious as frozen or fresh just because they can contain a lot of salt and sugar, but look for products that contain no salt or added sugar if you can. This is still better than eating McDonalds, or eating KD every day. Which by the way, I still love KD.

2. Grow a garden or participate in a community garden program

Seeds are dirt cheap - pardon the pun. So throw those puppies in some soil and watch as you grow your own bounty. If you feel intimidated by gardening (which you shouldn't because it's pretty fool-proof) watch a video online or take a gardening book out from your library. And get your kids involved in the process. Learning how to grow food is such a great skill to have. I'm very fortunate my family had acres of gardens when I was growing up, and I had with them every summer. Now my kids are learning from me. Pass on the knowledge!

3. Canning and freezing

The other day I got a HUGE box of crab apples from someone in our community for $5! I talk about it in this post. I was able to freeze 6 bags of apples and make 12 jars of apple sauce - and it was sooo good! Again there are so many resources online for freezing and preserving fruits and vegetables. If you see a great fruit/veggie sale, buy 'em up and freeze them.

4. Bake your own bread

I admit, this sounds like a lot of work. Everyone is probably thinking, "this woman must have a lot of time on her hands to be making her own bread". Um, I have no time for anything. I work, I have two kids, I workout every day, I blog and I take care of a home. I use a bread machine (which by the way, I've seen at thrift stores for just a few dollars) and I use the dough cycle to make the dough, then I form the dough into two loaves and let them rise on a cookie sheet, then I bake them. The bread machine does most of the work while I'm doing other things. This is usually a Saturday or Sunday project. For our family of 4, two loaves easily lasts us a week or more. And making your own bread is super cheap. Here is my favourite recipe - it works every time! While it's a bun recipe, it works for bread too. I also substitute half of the white flour for whole wheat flour and cut down the sugar a bit.

5. Exercise is FREE

Last time I checked, walking didn't cost much. Neither did playing soccer with your kids. But if you feel you need a "real" workout, there are so many options you can do for cheap or free. I can watch youtube on my TV and that's how I do most of my circuit training days. Jillian Michaels has a bunch of Youtube videos up through BeFit including The 30 Day Shred, No More Trouble Zones Complete Workout, and 6 Week Six-Pack Abs, just to name a few. The most these workouts require are your hand weights and those aren't even necessary. You can also rent fitness DVDs from your local library or borrow/swap with friends. When it comes down to it, nothing beats a brisk walk anyway. And the benefits of being active go so far beyond how you look. Exercise releases endorphins, and endorphins make you happy (I learned that from Elle Woods from Legally Blonde). It's hard to get moving but once you're done, what an awesome feeling!


If you have any tips on being fit and frugal, I'd love to hear them. I hope to include a lot of this information in a book, so the more information I can share, the better!